Shame binds and dictates, blinds and slanders.  Shame holds two in a broken embrace.  Shame weakens attachments, kills potential, and ends lives.  It is the master magician who makes the moment interminable.

Shame acts as if it precedes Being which translates into: “I suck therefore I am!”

The face of shame hides its eyes from the world.  The feet of shame walk in the margins and gutters of the world.  The tongue of shame speaks of unworthiness.  The body is disfigured: too small or too large. Achievement, gratitude, and joy slip through the cracks in the self.  The mask of shame wears the thin smile of normality and with an element of luck the sneer of excellence.

Shame lives as clearly in the window paned-towers of Wall Street as it does on the planes of the Kalahari, and as it did in that prosaic moment in the garden.

Shame mistakes the false self of defectiveness for the true self and weaves a dream-like veneer that is taken for Reality! The simple tragedy of shame is that it wants to be other than itself. It drives itself to extreme lengths. It swims against the current of being and the textures of life in tantalizing pursuit of this other self. It gauges the world with an instrument of impossibility whose gravity is a force beyond measure.

The future of shame is an endless repetition, a flat line, a cracked pitcher.  Like the proverbial frightened dream-figure who cannot move, or the mythological prisoner enchained, it stands fragilely in the presence of beauty, and destitute by its encounter with chance.

Shame goes to therapy as it goes to the bar.  It enters the consultation room with one hand extended and the other withdrawn, its fingers crossed in fear and disgust. Shame engages the therapist with small talk and the desire to change: its need for help an open wound.  Shame brings to the table a plenitude of rage that surrounds the pain. It can only seem to ask for help, and as quickly reject it. Shame is anchored in the conviction of defectiveness that dresses every wound, and shadows every movement. This belief that can appear as humility is shored with contempt.

Shame presents difficulties, tests, and temptations for the therapist.  It extends a mirror for therapists to reflect upon and sets a stage upon which the two can play, with the preferred role assumed by the therapist.

Shame softens within the tenderness of a patient psychotherapy. When effective, psychotherapy secures its role as a beacon whose illumination glows in presence and wanes in absence.  In time, in the face of all that has been remembered and forgotten, and through repetitive movements that seem like a glacial dance, Shame releases shame. It staggers forward across the emotional precipice of unworthiness and surrenders to a warmth that learns empathy for itself.

I write these words as I climb my wall of shame erected by the pain of my faults. I can see from my small perch across the wastelands a reflection of a better being, beckoning sometimes in the form of a lover, other times a dream, and ever mysterious as if seeded by a spirit.

Recently, two clients weeks asked me the same question in response to my suggestion that they need to forgive themselves.  “How does one forgive oneself?” For a moment I was silenced. I didn’t have an immediate answer.

One client remarked that he couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of self-forgiveness;  “It is such a cliché,” he said. It was not my intent to prescribe clichés as solutions to complex and painful psychological states.

To each client I said the question was an excellent one that required further thinking. I realized that the superficial way we as a sanctioned healing profession bandy the prescription “forgive yourself,” reveals a larger dilemma that is weighted down by cultural values. A quick palliative would be a disservice. As a profession we must question our impetus for quick cures and recognize the presence of external pressures, cultural and economic, along with internal pressures that might lead us down soothing but misleadingly easy paths.  Psychotherapists neither administer absolutions nor wave magic wands.

I did suggest that forgiveness was not a simple matter of saying, “Sorry self I didn’t mean to beat you up.”  It is an attitude born out of self-examination.  Without self-examination forgiveness is like putting a Band-Aid over a gaping wound. And with each of my client’s, the wounds were deeply embedded in a vast interior region of shame.

We had entered difficult emotional territory.  One client pulled back, retreated into a series of intellectualized questions brined with anger.  The other client went deeper, making connections between earlier wounds and his current malaise.  What differentiates the psychological capacity of individuals for self-examination is a subject for another essay.

The client who explored the question of forgiveness is a single, successful professional in his early 30’s who had been feeling anxious and depressed for many years prior to starting therapy.  I had been seeing him in weekly psychotherapy for about three years.  Recently, he had been arrested for a DUI after having been stopped for speeding.  He was angry and ashamed.  His blood alcohol level was just below the legal limit.  Although he felt that the police unfairly arrested him, his anger was directed mainly at himself. He described how he had been initially polite with the police, but continued calling them “sir” with what he derided as a “pussy bullshit attitude” even after the police had handcuffed him.  He felt that this was unacceptable.

He had a court appearance and had consulted with an attorney.  Even though he felt reasonably certain that charges would be dropped, he described feeling an overwhelming sense of weakness” and that everything was out of control since his arrest.  He was plagued by obsessive thoughts.  Repeatedly, he imagined going to court, angering the judge who then sentenced him to 20 years in prison.

I asked why he thought he was having such thoughts.  He didn’t have a clue. Knowing his history, I suggested that his obsessive thinking represented a punishing fantasy in which he repeatedly victimized himself for acting weak.  He took in what I said and thought it made sense. I wondered why he was so angry with himself for what seemed at worst a minor offense.  At this point I suggested that he might forgive himself.

As we explored the question of forgiveness, he realized that the thought of forgiving himself had never occurred to him; instead he felt that he needed to teach himself a “hard lesson,” a lesson that he had been hammering himself with for many years. His obsessive fantasy represented one module in the lesson plan.

The obstacle to forgiveness is self-hate: hatred for the objectionable and unacceptable aspects of the self. Self-hate is embedded in core beliefs about the self and is often unwittingly administered.  It is unconscious and present in what I’ve described in an earlier blog as negative self-talk, the background noise of self-loathing. The personal obstacles to self-forgiveness are reinforced by cultural values that prescribe a “tough love” regimen for self-improvement.  The essence of this regimen is embodied in the message “Be strong, show no vulnerability, admit no weakness” as you learn the hard lessons of life on your own.

In contrast, self-forgiveness is an integral aspect of personal growth that involves examination and acceptance of weakness, failure, and disappointment.  It entails identifying personal shortcomings, recognizing the subtle judgments, punitive fantasies that characterize one’s reactions, and challenging their veracity.   It calls for an effort to understand these failings within the larger context of ones’ life. To this end Carl Jung said, “The patient does not feel himself accepted, unless the very worst in him is accepted too.”

My client had his court date.  No charges had been filed, and he was feeling much better. He described how the last session gave him the “bonk on the head that he needed.”  He explained how he had not realized how badly he had been torturing himself with his obsessive fantasies until I had pointed it out.  When he stopped the fantasizing, he began to feel better.

Sheepishly, he said that he was beginning to understand what forgiveness meant.  He compared his situation to being in a relationship. “If you were angry at your partner and did not forgive her, you would be stuck, not growing. I was doing that to myself.” With this insight, he felt he had found a new guiding principle. He was eager to put this realization at the front of his conscious mind and wondered what that would be like.

Transforming Negative Self Talk

Part Two: The Road to Healthy Self-esteem

Changing negative self-talk is not simply a matter of replacing negative statements with positive affirmations.  The psychological work involves altering patterns of thinking and behaving that have been intimately connected to one’s identity. The goal is to learn how to view oneself in a more balanced and integrated manner that will lead to changes in behavior and greater fulfillment in life.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

While I will break down the process of changing negative self-talk into three steps, the work doesn’t occur neatly in sequential steps. The statement two steps forward one step back captures the non-linear path of change. The key to this process is commitment and stamina, especially following the inevitable setbacks. Psychoanalytically oriented psychotherapists describe this process as “working through.” Psychological change requires an effort that is equivalent to the work needed to learn a martial art or to play a musical instrument.

·      Step one – becoming aware of the problem

·      Step two -  challenging the validity of self-critical statements

·      Step three – taking risks and changing behavior

Becoming aware of the problem involves developing the ability to step back and critically examine one’s thoughts and feelings.  Becoming aware of negative self-talk involves attending to one’s internal chatter and  noticing what one is saying to oneself with the ear of a compassionate observer even  when the last thing that you want to do is be aware of your feelings.  What stands in the way of self-awareness is shame.  We have learned to be ashamed of our feelings of weakness and vulnerability. When we feel shame, we dim the lights of consciousness. At this moment the idea of self-awareness feels like salt on a wound.

The Road to Hell is Paved With Shame

The major challenge in overcoming shame is understnding the need to disidentify with the negative punitive perspective that  has been such a familiar presence.  The recognition that negative self-talk represents only one point of view among many is a good start. Beginning to monitor your internal dialogue introduces the possibility of a personal corrective second opinion.  In fact catching yourself in the act builds up the strength of the observing ego.  It allows one to wonder, “Why am I saying such mean things to myself?”  “Under what circumstances would I ever talk to a friend like I am talking to myself?” When you can reflect on your feelings, then you are  on the road to recovery and  achievement  and far from being lost off road in some desolate woods.

The Power of Negative Thinking

The mind requires self-monitoring and self-correcting in order to keep thoughts in check with the ever-shifting subtle changes of reality.  The second step in dealing with negative self-talk follows from the ability to self-reflect and involves questioning the validity of self-criticism. It might seem counter-intuitive to suggest that questioning how one feels is an adaptive function, but feelings can be misleading.  Feelings are signals that communicate information about the world. They do not simply represent reality. The ability to make this differentiation is a critical aspect of self-reflection.  

When you are self-critical, you may view the self and others through a distorted lens. You believe in the “Truth” of these feelings with a certainty that defies logic.  Projection is a powerful and subtle mechanism that underlies this distortion.  If I am feeling stupid, it is likely that I will project these feelings onto the people I am interacting with.  The projection appears as the thought,  “they think I am stupid. “  I will notice something  in their look or tone that conveys a judgment that confirms this feeling.  Ironically under the social pressure to appear smart, I might end up saying something stupid.  Ah, the power of negative thinking!

Feelings need to be examined, questioned and reflected upon.  Questions need to be asked. “What am I feeling?”   “Are my feelings distorting my understanding of the situation?”  “Am I projecting my negative feelings onto the situation?”  This process is deepened by a psychological inquiry into the source of one’s core negative beliefs.  When you understand why you think and behave in a certain, not only do you feel less crazy, but you also can have compassion for your difficulty.

As you observe  and question  your feelings and perceptions, you begin to see patterns. Black and white thinking is a mode of thought that underlies negative self-talk. In this mode there are no shades of grey. You are all good or all bad.  Making a single mistake, no matter how small can be  costly because it is magnified to monstrous proportions and negates all that is positive and good about you. Black and white thinking is grounded in perfectionism that creates unrealistic standards for success.

Developing a balanced, integrated sense of self, in other words, good self-esteem works to dismantle the standard of perfectionism.  It introduces a new standard that is flexible, inclusive, and compassionate. This ability to see the big picture of yourself and accept your strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures  is  the hallmark of good self-esteem.

Beyond the Comfort Zone

The third step entails changing the behavior that has functioned to support negative self-talk. Self-critical individuals tend to be quiet, sensitive to slights, risk aversive, and anticipate negative outcomes. Their behavior often reinforces their subjective reality that in turn further reinforces their behavior.  As you begin to challenge negative core beliefs, you may feel more willing to take risks.  When you move beyond the comfort zone, core beliefs are tested in the great laboratory of life.  And in most situations, individuals are profoundly relieved to discover the fallacy of their convictions.

Transforming Negative Self Talk

Part One: The Problem

Negative self-talk also known as self-critical thinking afflicts millions of individuals. It can range in severity from paralyzing vicious attacks on the self to a steady, barely noticeable stream of chatter that deflates self-esteem and dampens motivation.  It can lay dormant within a field of good fortune only to be triggered by the smallest of mistakes that unleashes a flood of verbal attacks against the self.

Negative self-talk is co-extensive with a self-consciousness that casts a dark shadow over one’s life. Stopping it is not simply a matter of replacing negative thoughts with positive affirmations.  Self-critical thinking functions like an operating system that runs the multiple programs of the self, from self-evaluation to perception of others to decision-making. Having established dominion early and unwittingly in the sanctuary of the self, it is seamlessly woven into the fiber of one’s being. Seeing the world differently is as inconceivable as it would to be to imagine having three eyes and one ear.

The core of self-critical thinking is based on fundamental assumptions about one’s unworthiness, unloveableness, and defectiveness, assumptions that are accepted as fundamental truths. These assumptions are often internalized through the complex interactions with key individuals beginning in early childhood and extending through one’s development. Drawn from a catalogue of qualities such as intelligence, attractiveness, strength, creativity, etc. that constitute the vocabulary of self-esteem, individuals become fully armed with ammo for negative self-talk at an early age.  Under the tyranny of perfectionism, life becomes a painful, unwinnable battle against a simple, but harsh and unbending standard: if I am not perfect, then I am bad.

It is more than a curiosity to wonder why there is such a powerful attachment to the negative in the human psyche. One criticism seems to have the power of a dozen compliments. This curiosity is heightened when one considers that many individuals who are plagued by negative self-talk are competent, creative and accomplished. 

Self-critical thinking trumps what is worthwhile about a person and reflects a highly distorted, negative picture of the self.  It expresses a personal, subjective belief that doesn’t recognize or value one’s abilities.  One looks at the world from a position of inadequacy and defectiveness, characteristically feeling not as smart, not as attractive, not as creative, not as funny, not as sexy, or not as successful as others who are perceived in a much more favorable light.

Changing negative self-talk is a journey of self-transformation. There are many roads to change and psychotherapy can be an important part of this process.  While there are numerous theoretical therapeutic orientations, if you were to look at what effective clinicians actually do in therapy, you would find many similarities in contradistinction to the stated differences in their theoretical orientations.  In the next post I will outline a series of steps that provide guidelines to help deal with self- negative self-talk.